It's been a while

Back in 2010, I started a blog. It was my way of getting through some pretty difficult times. Almost 5 years later, here I am again. I never really low how to start these things out. I have never been a writer. In fact, in school my papers were, for the most part, written by my older brother. I would just back behind him and "dumb them down" a bit. I'm not sitting here tonight calling myself dumb. My older brother was just a literary genius. Two months after I had my miscarriage, I met a guy. He went by the name Stew. Looking back at things now, maybe I did not allow myself the time needed to completely grieve before jumping into a relationship with someone. When I met him though, I felt alive again. It was as if I hadn't even experienced the tragedy I had just gone through a couple of months before. He had that bad boy look to him but in the beginning he seemed perfect. Anytime I needed someone he was there to help. He even came to fix my car one time in the parking lot of a grocery store even though he was sick with the flu. I had never had anyone willing to do something like that for me before. I was happy. It felt right. Fast forward a year later: The condo I'm living in was bought in a foreclosure sale and my son and I had to move out. Stew and I decided it was time for us to move in with him. I honestly thought things would be great because I knew that we loved each other. Before I moved I was over at his place spending the night. He had been acting strange, talking about his friend in Montana that he had known while he was stationed up there. Her name was Heather. I didn't think anything of it because I've always trusted until someone gave me a reason not to do so. Now before I say this I know what you will be thinking. She shouldn't be doing that. Not cool. Not cool at all. Hey I'm human and I will admit to things I've done. While he was passed out, I picked up his phone and looked at the photos on his phone. I can't even tell you how many photos he had of this "friend" Heather that were completely inappropriate for someone that had been in a relationship with someone for a year. Her ass. Her tits. Her in the dressing room trying on bras for him. I got pissed and started packing up the few things I had over there. I was ready to wake my son up in the middle of the night, go back to my place and never talk to him again. He woke up while I was packing my stuff. He apologized and said it wouldn't happen again. I believed him. My son an I moved in and things were still good. Slowly but surely it started going downhill. My son had never done chores before so it was sonewhat stressful to get him to do them on his own. If I asked him to do them he would. That wasn't good enough. It got to the point to where Stew would be pissed all the time. On top of that, I hated my job. I would come home crying nearly everyday because of stress. This is when the depression set in. My job was shit. I would come home and hear nothing but complaining because my son wasn't doing his chores without being asked. It got to where Stew acted like he never wanted me around. There was a period of probably a year where he didn't want to hwve sex with me. That messed with me even more and I ended up falling deeper and deeper into depression. It got to the point to where I slept until noon or one on the weekends. I was always sick. I rarely helped out around the house. I stopped caring because I felt like my whole life was falling apart. Stew started telling my so that he didn't want him living in his house but had to keep him there because he was a minor. He told me that he only said this to try to light a fire under him, hoping he would start helping out more around the house. Stew would tell me out of anger that he thought my son was a piece of shit and worthless. I would beg and plead with Caleb to start doing more just so I could have a little peace when I was home. I was torn. My son is my number one but at the same time he did need to get up and help out more often. This went on for 3.5 years, on and off. Things would be bad and then they would be good again. A complete cycle. Stew got to where he really started acting like he didn't want me around, doing more on his own or just with his daughter. He always acted like it was a chore to take me out on a date. I mean I guess that part was my fault. I couldn't get out of my funk. I gained 20 lbs in the time we had gotten together. Then I went upstairs one day to do something on the computer. When I went to turn on the monitor, he had forgotten to log out of his account. He had left his photos open and low and behold there were MORE photos of his "friend" Heather from Montana. Tits, ass and now photos of her dressed as a Dom on her bed with a whip. When I confronted him about it he was more concerned with keeping her friendship than he was keeping our relationship. Trying to make me feel bad because he had to stop talking to her when he was with his ex acting as though I wasacting just like his ex. Telling him he can't have friends. This wasn't it at all. This was the second time that they had disrespected the relationship that we supposedly had. Once again, I forgave and stayed. In January 2014 I got laid off from my job and was planning on going to school. Around that time we were not doing well at all and he told me he was tired of it all and wanted me and my son out of his house. I couldn't leave. I had no job. Instead I thought about what it was that was missing. While unemployed I started taking my camera out during the day. I made sure the house was clean and dinner was cooked by the time he came home except for Wednesday's when I was volunteering at the Austin Humane Society. I started losing weight, 20 lbs to be exact and had more energy than I had ever had before. He looked at me one day and told me he was in love with me again. Things got better for us. Then came Thanksgiving. He had started getting frustrated with my son not doing his chores without being asked. Thanksgiving morning there were a few dishes left in the sink and he flipped out. I finally made him talk to me and he told me that he was done patting my son on the back and telling him he could do it and he was smart because he honestly thought that my son was an idiot. That was the final straw. I couldn't keep my son in a home where he is constantly verbally and mentally abused, even if the verbal portion wasn't always said right in front of him. Backup a bit: I got a contract job at Apple in August. Up until then k had been able to pay my portion of the bills. My unemployment ran out right before I was to start the new job but I had some money in the bank to help out until I started getting paid. Then my bank account got hacked into. Wiped clean. Because it was wire fraud the bank held my money I had in the account until they investigated. On top of that I had to open a new account. This put me behind and Stew said he would let me borrow money until it straightened out. This was around the time car insurance was due and on top of that I needed new tires. Stew ended up having to pay for all of this and I continued to fall further and further behind. My sons birthday is at the end of August. Then I started catching back up and then Thanksgiving break happened, 3 days off without pay. Then Christmas came, a week and a half off without pay and at Christmas time. Shortly after that I was sick for a few days and then my Granny passed away. All of this time off meant missing pay. This meant that I couldn't give Stew the money we had agreed upon. On top of that, then events I explained that happened at Thsnksgiving made me so angry that I decided to start doing things for my son and myself. I started going out with friends. Only thing was, I would maybe pay $5-$10 all night. The rest was paid for by friends. If I drove home I got yelled at for driving. I would sometimes stay out super late. Sometimes I decided that I couldn't drive and would end up at a friend's house so I could sleep it off. That way I wasn't driving after drinking. No matter what I did, how I would get home, he would be pissed. I think it was because I was going out a lot more often. Maybe he thought I had met someone else. This wasn't the case. Whatever I said didn't matter anymore. This was my part of the demise of our relationship. I stopped giving him the money I agreed to give him. He took care of everything financially. I can see why he was so frustrated. Apryl was a gal he knew while stationed in Montana. She was married at the time. He had he very first car out there and then got notice that he was being sent to Korea and couldn't take his car with him. Since he only had a certain amount of time to get to the place he needed to be so he could be shipped off, he decided to leave his car and the title with Apryl and her husband. Fast forward many years later. He gets a message from Apryl on Facebook stating that her husband just pack his shit and left her with her daughters. She was getting a divorce and Stew either needed to sign the title to that car he left or have it shipped back to his house. They were talking back and forth about that and catching up a bit. It got to where we didn't talk to one another much less look at each other or touch each other. He was texting someone constantly. Then a week before a big car show I had suggested that maybe my son and I move out to give us both some space and figure things out. This didn't mean I wanted to break up, just a way to be able to give us a little space to get our lives back in order. He thought it meant that and immediately asked if we broke up over a text message. I didn't know what to say and ended up responding with I guess. The car show was weird. I saw him texting photos of the show to her. A week or two after the show he was on edge and wanted me out immediately. Come to find out he had been talking to Apryl for a while and tells me that he had developed feelings for her. She was coming down for Memorial Day weekend and he needed me out so he could fix the house because my son, dog and I had destroyed it (even though his daughter's play area was always disgusting and he had car parts all over the place). The 4.5 years obviously didn't matter to him. Apparently none of it mattered to him.